Motherhood is full of light and shadows. Motherhood is joyful and rewarding but yet hard and overwhelming at times. I never knew how much sacrifice, courage and love a mother could have until I became one.
I am a mother of 3 kids, two are here and one in spirit who I know is always watching over us. If my firstborn was alive, she would have been 7 years old now, in primary school and would have been such a great big sister to my other two.
Nothing prepared me to become a new mother of a critically ill baby. We found out that my first baby was sick in utero and I had to deliver her early at 32 weeks after a scan that showed that excessive fluid filled her lungs and her kidneys were failing. My baby, Sammie, was in intensive care in the hospital since birth for more than five months. Throughout those times, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Happiness when she made good progress in recovering, feelings of hope that she could possibly recover. Joy when she could drink my centrifuged breast milk through a feeding tube. Anger about why this happened to me. Sadness when she almost died a few times. Heartbroken when she eventually passed away. My experience with her has taught me so much, that love was unlimited. That even in thunderstorms and darkness that you thought you had lost all hopes, the rainbow and light is there.
Kundalini yoga and meditation helped me in my painful grieving process. Family and friends constantly looked out for me. Thankfully, I fell pregnant a few years later but that pregnancy again was difficult. I was scared, anxious throughout, worried that it could happen again. After my rainbow baby girl was born, I recalled how grateful I was that she is healthy and perfect. I would pinch myself in disbelief sometimes. She really healed my broken heart. Despite the lack of sleep, cracked and painful nipples, and sore wrist and arms, I felt so happy and contented. It’s funny how much you appreciate life so much more, when it was taken away too soon. She has made me more patient and taught me to love her for who she is, accepting of things I couldn’t change. Just like that, I had breastfed her for 3 years.
Fast forward to today, Sophie is now 4 years old and I am blessed to have another baby, Sam, who is just 10 weeks old. Just when I thought my pregnancy will be ridden with fear just like Sophie, it was the total opposite. I felt so much more trusting and calm this time. There is a deep knowing that all is well. We are all smitten with him.
There is a saying that helped me throughout the early days of motherhood. The days are long but the years are short. It is true, just when you think, this motherhood gig is hard, the constant crying and why the baby would not sleep, take a deep breath and relax, you will miss this phase, the phase where your baby needs you to be close to you. I learned to embrace the chaos, messiness and look for the beautiful moments to be grateful for.
I celebrate mothers, motherhood. The exhaustion, emotional ups and downs are worth it for the joy and cuddles.